Meditation is my medication

vasse nicolas, antoine at flickr

So for me in the beginning meditation was strange to wrap my head around. Like what am I supposed to feel like? Is it supposed to be this dark? Am I not supposed to experience rushes of energy and life force? Where are the extravagant psychedelic-like visions people explain having and how long will it take to get my mind truly quiet?

Meditation is a journey without a destination. That is where I had to begin. Do not get into meditation with an expectation of a result, although eventually after some time of daily meditation that is inevitable. Why you do it is for the peace of mind you get in the moment of it.

For me, meditation has been the biggest savior in my journey of addiction, depression, and anxiety. These days I cannot go a day without it. It is crucial for my well-being and something I never down prioritize. It’s part of my Rising Ritual, part of my Bedtime Ritual, and sometimes in-between as well.

As soon as I find myself having a window of time in which I am not doing anything in particular I get myself into a meditative state.
That can be waiting for a friend I am meeting up with, riding the metro, even during my breaks at work.

It has become the staple of my mental health improvement and it’s truly done wonders for me in just 7 months of true commitment and daily practice.
What I believe happens is that you gather more of yourself into yourself. More of your multidimensional selves come into your body and ground in it. Essentially what that means is that each time you meditate, you become more whole.

This leads to the inevitability that you dissolve your old self & identity of who and what you have made yourself to be and what projections of society you’ve taken on as roles to play.

So whatever pain, worry, and suffering you have been carrying and feeling you can with ease dissolve in meditation. The best thing is, it doesn’t even happen consciously by you doing anything per se, it is just a natural unfolding of going within and looking yourself truly in the face.

It can be scary at times. It can be disorienting. And it can also be the most blissful detached feeling of unconditional love you’ve ever experienced.
Before practicing daily I had an absurd amount of attachments. To things, to people, to the way I expected things to turn out, to life in general, and most to my old story of being a victim.

It’s like we are so deeply programmed to believe that life is against us so we just cling to this old story no matter what and continue to prove it right for ourselves by our expectations of it.
The more I went within and was able to meet myself, the more I was able to dissolve and not just believe, not even think, but know that that story was a mere illusion of my mind that had been created by the emotional trauma I’d been through as a child and hadn’t been able to process up until now.

And believe me, I am far from done. I am still in the midst of it. And there are days in which I still feel the emotions of a helpless little girl just trying to find my way into adulthood. But it’s much easier to snap out of it, and know that even if I have those thoughts, doesn’t mean they’re true.

Healing isn’t linear. Sometimes it can feel as if you’re stuck at one particular block for months without improvement and then it releases and you clear 5 more away at the same time. We don’t fully know what happens within the mind and body. But what we do know is that if you choose with a strong enough intention not only will your higher self team up with you but the subconscious as well, where all the traumas are stored.

Because the fact is that life is supposed to feel good for all of us. And that we are doing a collective effort to heal not only our own but generations and lifetime’s worth of pain upon this planet takes a great deal of power and deep surrender to the truth that we’re doing this for all, not just for ourselves.

I am coming deeply back to the truth, that was one of my deepest anchors before I dove into addiction headfirst years ago and that is, that if somebody outside of me suffers then so will I.

But what I am also realizing today more than ever is that I can never help anyone in my suffering, and I cannot lead by example if I am in survival myself. So the tactic has changed. The priority is clear. Me first, and then The World.

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