In the in-between
In a mode of questioning. Everything.
I feel like I’m in deep waters of my subconscious trying to find a way out. Trying to find an answer. A lasting pursuit. Grasping for anything I can to remember who I truly am.
Even though at the same time things are clearer than ever there’s still this itch longing to be scratched and for some reason I don’t know where to scratch it.
I feel like I’m in between dimensions, realities.. nothings yet set in stone or crystalized. Maybe simply because I haven’t fully made the choice I assume. I keep on looking for the answers. Both internally and externally. Trying to find the satisfaction factor.
At the same time there is this voice inside me saying, there’s no rush. I don’t need to have it all figured out right now. And simultaneously I feel this great urgency within me. Like somethings about to happen and I need to prepare. But I’m not even sure what for.
I have detached from all social media, so life is quite simple and quiet. That’s deeply appreciated. While at the same time I feel disconnected and left out. That’s just the FOMO talking.
I guess it’s just that. The fact that I’m having this spilt energy within me to things. To life, to me. Searching for clarity. Seemingly wasting my time yet doing more than ever and managing it better than I ever have. Wondering what I am really meant to be doing, how I’m meant to be living. All I know this is not it.
There is more. It’s calling me. All the time, and I don’t even fully comprehend what it is.
I’ve left my old life. A life of partying, being in the center of attention. The perfect desirable barbie doll.
To enter this new very quiet, soft and gentle realm.
It feels great. I have been longing all my life for this sense of groundedness and calmness. I was never really able to give that to myself before, thankfully that’s all changed now.
I always felt as if I was profusely running from something in my years of intense partying.
It probably was the calling. It’s always been there, I’ve just tried to shut it out in all ways possible.
With loud music, drugs and superficial friends.
But now, all of that has changed. I’m trying to listen and hear, what it says. Trying to meditate and open up. Feel and receive the broader part of me. Spending more time than ever in deep solitude.
So that’s the feeling.. I’m not satisfied because I’m not choosing instant gratification anymore.
While not fully sure what my long term gratification that I should focus on is.
I have so many ideas, and which one to pursue is not surely clear.
So that’s that, the in between. In-between the old and the new. The void from which it all stems. The eternal limbo. Falling, and being ok with the fact that I’m falling. I’m not even sure I can fall to the end of it.
In the last months I have really tried to figure it all out. To do so much, be productive and find my answer. And the more I’ve searched for it the less I’ve felt it.
So today I had a bunch of stuff I told myself to do after work. But decided to do none for the first time in weeks and instead just lay in my couch drinking tea, doing nothing. My inner guidance said that was the path for now. Because I cannot struggle my way to the path. I cannot try to find it if I’m not fully ready to receive it.
I know it might sound crazy for most people, but I deeply believe in the fact that allowance is key.
That sometimes it’s necessary to just be & do nothing. So except for this post. I am in no womans land tonight.
Allowing myself beingness and nothing less and nothing more.
Sometimes that truly is the most productive thing we can do, and the quickest way back to the clarity.
It’s ok to just be too.