I long for love
Lately I’ve been fantasizing a lot about love. Nothing specific just the feeling of love in general. What love means to me. How I desire to express and experience it. Love for friends, love for family, love for a beloved.. but most of all in all actuality deep profound love for myself.
I’ve been contemplating and getting to know myself deeper than I ever have before. It’s been a true rediscovery of my souls individually unique song and I am deeply grateful to have found that melody again.
I had shushed it, almost turned it down completely in volume. Lost my sense of satisfaction for life and connection to whats truly important for myself. I had placed so many others above myself and my personal needs. It’s been a wild ride to rediscover myself again.
What I mostly have come to see is this. I am scared as fuck of intimacy. Yet, it’s the one thing I long for more than anything in this entire universe.
My true self. My original blueprint. My souls essence.. oh dear. It’s the warmest being you could ever find. It’s this bubbly, happy, funny, kind, soft and gentle being. More loyal than anyone I’ve ever met. She’s caring and nurturing. Helpful and loving. Wonderful and adorable. She’s just absolutely amazing.
And to tell you the truth, she’s been gone for quite a while now. I know why, and I won’t share that here.
But my point is I want her back. And not only that, I want to merge with her and fall deeply in love, with her, my true self.
Throughout this incarnation even as I’ve been aligned with her, that broader sense of who I really am, I have given all of this divine love away. To boyfriends, friends, family, workplaces, whoever that was in need and had the ability to receive. Which in turn left me completely depleted and emptied out. It also manifested as a way of living without energetic boundaries.
A BIG NO NO. As I’ve come to learn now.
Even with the being I believed to be the love of my life, I let my boundaries be so intensely overstepped that I have still yet been able to untangle the energetic imprint and pain our entanglement left upon my heart.
So this year, I am having a redo. And as such, rediscovery. Of who I really am. What I need and desire, whats important for my inner being. How my soul thrives, how I find back to that bubbly, loving, holy self that I know I locked away there somewhere deep within myself.
For you who are Harry Potter nerds as myself, it feels almost like in the Goblet of Fire where Barty Crouch Jr. locked away Professor Mad Eye Moody, except I am both Crouch and Moody, having locked away myself, while pretending to be someone I’m not.
I am so happy to have made this discovery. Remembered again. The (very rewarding) consequence of this is that I have tured within in a way I have yet given myself the pleasure in this life to do, so unapologetically and unconditionally as now.
It’s quite baffling to let yourself know thyself. Really and truly.
I am finding out what I really need to feel good and safe. Whats important to keep my energy levels thriving. What is supportive of my pure little inner child that needs more than ever to just be held and caressed so she can dare to come out of her shell again.
Most of all it’s calm, peace and quiet. Softness. Breathing. Meditation. Gentle piano music. Nature. Working out and healing my vessel, yoga. But really truly, just calmness intertwined with this deep love and acceptance.
I lately just sit and caress myself as if I would be touching someone I love. I talk to my body. I ask my cells for what they want and try to listen to their silent whisper.
I try to find peace in all the old habits that I am in the process of overwriting, that even when they still sometimes happen I can love unconditionally even that part of myself and know reassuringly that that part was there for a reason, that at one point it really did protect me from something and that is the function it is still trying to serve. But that I am here now, and I can tell it lovingly that it can dissolve now. It doesn’t need to shield me up anymore in hardness. It can let go of it’s grip. That the time has come for release.
During this time of incubating in the Swedish winter darkness I always go deep within. But this year is different. It’s more healing and revealing. It’s a kind of gentleness of Lady Winter and her coldness is in some way paradoxically warming me up again. Thawing out my heart to let it beat strongly within my chest.
So yes. I long for love. Not with anybody else. I’ve been for years on end seeking for love outside of me, in all the wrong places. I ended up giving it all and receiving back none. So now I’m looking for it in the only place that matters. Within.
I spend so much time in meditation. In pure trance, receiving messages from my soul. Being lit up again. Isolating myself strongly. But with a purpose and strong intention in mind. I feel I need it. It’s like I am in my own cave, or womb even, gestating. To rebirth anew.
And slowly, day by day, that little inner me is coming out. But oh she’s scared, terrified. She’s been through more than most. I finally have grounded in a very strong sense of compassion for her. Tiny little me. Sweet one.
I long for nothing else but her liberation & freedom. That she can be able to step out into the light again and trust in life that let her down so many times in the past. That we can again run in fields of wildflowers, carelessly dancing around in the summer rain and loving all of life fearlessly as ever.
To see the flight of the birds and imagine ourselves as part if them, scanning the earths crust as we soar and fly above the clouds engulfed in lifes deliciousness and beauty. To be merged in greatness, big and small, human and divine, united as one balanced being. Creating and dancing everyday in knowing of our power and eternalness.
Embrace the limitless. Express the evidence. It’s all there, find all the colors yet choose the ones that resonate and mostly soothes our eye to paint the most magnificent masterpiece to be beheld with them. Not let others rule us and chose ourselves finally, whats important for us, as conscious creators in full knowing and connection.
The sacredness of life is awaiting. I know it. I have tasted it before. I’m getting closer. I’m releasing more and more everyday. Expanding into my future self. My divine embodied self.
We’re learning. Each end everyday. Trying our best to quantum leap. In every sense of the word. Peeling & surrendering. Accepting and embracing.
I thank life eternally for guiding me home to the calmness of my soul, where I always sought to be. Igniting the flames within my heart. It’s been a long journey home to say the least, and we’re almost there. I can feel it. This time I will not let us down.