Getting pure after years of seeking kicks
Sometimes I still miss it. Seriously, deeply. Although it doesn’t take long for me to snap out of it again to remember why I am doing what I am doing and return to complete surrender and acceptance of my decision.
There’s days where I’m thinking “I wish I could just do 600ug acid and drift right into space, easy, just like that. No work to it, no meditation required, just ingest and blast off”
Stepping into the calm and ‘boring’ ways of being is very challenging after living like this for 7 years. And I’m no easy quitter to say the least, if I do something I do it whole heartedly without holding anything back. I don’t really have a gray, I barely even know what it means to be completely honest. For me it’s all in, or nothing. Always been like that.. and to be honest I am starting to appreciate that quality of mine more and more.
This week I’ve had a lot of old memories and triggers come up. It’s been challenging to say the least. Yet being such a strong reminder of my manifestation power and the momentum I am building now. I need full focus and complete clarity of my mind to commit to myself and do what I came to earth for. The clarity of sobriety is truly spectacular. Things are coming in so strongly. My mission. My purpose. My reason for being and the imprint I’ve chosen to leave in this life as my frequency gets fully embodied and allowed to ripple out in all of creation.
It is such a blessing. To see my minds eye open up more and more to show me the visions of the past and the future yet to unfold in the physical, but one that’s already in full bloom in the non-physical. The capacity of my soul and consciousness showing me more clearly what I am capable of and what I will do as I step into full self mastery.
I’ve given up a lot, but I will gain the whole universe in exchange, so it seems quite minuscule to say the least. The human egoistical desires don’t appeal to me in that way anymore. I think that’s literally why I lived the sex drugs & rock n roll (except it was psytrance & techno in my case lol) life so deeply with such determination for it to really be flushed out of my system when I was still young and to know that it’s a fleeting joy. One I truly am grateful for and appreciate still. But one I’ve overcome and transcended. As my new self, true self is staring to unfold my depth is starting to come though. My hearts desire for this planet, my purpose as a lightworker and what I really want to be and behold long term to move and affect generations to come.
There are no small desires that I have, that’s for sure. It’s just not the way I’ve ever worked. But the beauty of it all is that when I first gave birth to them my consciousness was so boxed in I had no clue of how to even believe in them.. any less manifest them but now I’m seeing the seeds planted years ago slowly starting to sprout. And that observation gives me so much more than an MDMA experience ever could. Just the feeling of seeing my deepest wishes come into fruition and seeing that every single one of my powerful intentions always have manifested makes me feel so much joy and liberation for whats to come.
For in the past, in my teenage I set a strong intention that I wanted to be a stoner and a psychonaut. And guess what, I really did become that 144%.
It gave me much of what I needed in the time of my healing and going into trauma work when I first discovered what was really buried deep within my shadow self.
It illuminated me in ways I don’t think I ever could have been if not for those years and those profound and very mystical experiences. They were strong and they showed me my must pure beautiful magnificent magickal self but also my most murky dysfunctional wounded self. The duality was so strong it showed me a fullspectrum of creation without holding anything back.
I guess I asked for it. Got some serious ass whoppin from my higher self, thats for sure.
It’s funny there’s this one thought that’s been extremely prominent within me this week and it’s something a woman told me years ago when we were talking about trauma and I asked her how to know when you’ve healed it. She answered with “you don’t have an urge to talk about it anymore” which has really been so real in what I am going though at the moment because now I can see that some of my biggest things, I have healed. I don’t feel triggered about them. I don’t talk about them and I don’t feel like a victim anymore when it comes to them. I can instead see the blessings those situations really were.
Except that new things came. In these seven years I created new traumas which at first I couldn’t comprehend why I would do in my early twenties, supposedly being an adult. But it’s starting to make sense finally. It has given me depth and innerstanding of the human condition I previously did not have. It has given me so much compassion for humanity in a way I never had before. To really experience for myself the psychology behind the choices people make when they are not in their full conscious self. And most of all why they do the things they do. You know what the answer to that one is?
A deep lack of love and soulful longing to be seen and accepted just the way they are.
What a tragedy…
So that’s why we’re here. That’s what we’re illuminating. And that is what we are here to change and clear out of the ancestry so it never repeats again. To heal the deepest parts of the collective shadow self so that choices are always made in alignment of one’s soul and core resonance.
So yes. I still have some sludge to clear out after years of drug addiction. I keep talking about it and sharing it… because there’s been so many pent up emotions behind this time of my life and the actions that were made that are wanting to be released and transmuted. But I am also seeing the gift in it. The reason I chose it. Not only did it give me the means and willpower to come out of a dark hole I at first thought I could’nt manage to dig my way out of without rehab. But it also gave me true courage to show that anything is possible once you set your mind to it and have your heart in it.
That only the desire for change has profound momentum and as you release your struggle against the current it will sweep you in and peel the layers of your painful yesterday to reveal the beauty of tomorrow.
I pray and hope all have the strength and bravery to be real with themselves and choose lasting change. Presence, awareness and full consciousness. To be divinity in action embodied and let their soul emanate the light of Source through their holy bodies.
The journey of eternity has only just begun and it’s about to go down. Let’s leap into Divine Love and healing of all generations, past, present & future.